Xordelia (dot) COM

So there is this contest by my favorite band Superchic[k] and I really want to win it!

My favorite song by Superchic[k] is a song called Hero (Red Pill Remix) which is a song about kids in middle school and high school being cruel to other kids, socially isolating them and the consequences of bullying. The song talks about how this treatment can and does lead to school shootings and then calls upon middle schoolers and high schoolers to break the cycle and make a difference.

I can really relate to this song because I was that kid that was picked on in elementary school and middle school, I was the kid sitting alone at lunch or being in the computer lab because I had no friends, I was that kid who felt like I had no way out so many days and this song (along with their entire “Last One Picked” album) really gave me hope and helped me through a really hard time.

Things changed in my life and I was no longer the awkward kid with no friends in high school which is fortunate, but there are a lot of kids who aren’t that lucky, kids who have to endure much worse treatment than I did everyday in high school. Kids really are mean and cruel; it’s sad but it’s a fact of life. Bands like Superchic[k] are a great thing because they reach out to our society and enact positive change.

When I was a freshman in high school I had the honor of meeting the band, interviewing their basist Matt Dally on the phone and writing an article about them in Blurb magazine. As a kid meeting my favorite band and Matt Dally who I greatly look(ed) up to was one of the coolest experiences in my life.

Thank you guys for all you do.

Here is a video that a fan put together on YouTube of Hero (Red Pill Remix):

Here are the full lyrics of the song:

No one sits with him, he doesn’t fit in

But we feel like we do when we make fun of him
Cause you want to belong do you go along
Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It’s not like we hate him or want him to die
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side
And kindness from you might have saved his life

Tag:
Heroes are made when you make a choice

Chorus:
You could be a hero
Heroes do what’s right
You could be a hero
You might save a life
You could be a hero, You could join the fight
For what’s right for what’s right for what’s right

Verse:
No one talks to her, she feels so alone
Shes in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she is brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made

Tag
Chorus

Verse:
No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn’t know he’s a leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he’s made
He lives on the edge, he’s old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it’s his right
The choices he makes change a nine year old life

Tag
Chorus

Little Mikey D was in the one class
Who everyday got brutally harassed
This went on for years
Until he decided that never again
Would he shed another tear
So he walked through the door
Grabbed the 44 out of his father’s dresser drawer
And said I can’t take life no more
And like that life can be lost
But this ain’t even about that
All of us just sat back
And watch it happen
Thinkin’ it’s not our responsibility
To solve a problem that isn’t even about me
This is our problem
This is just one of the daily scenarios
Which we choose to close our eyes
Instead of doing the right thing
If we make a choice
And be the voice
For those who won’t speak up for themselves
How may lives would be saved, changed, and rearranged
Now it’s our time to pick a side
So don’t keep walking by
Don’t wanna intervene
Cause you just wanna exist and never be seen
So let’s wake up
Change the world
Our time is now

I seem to have greatly underestimated the state of the current job market. I always heard of people being on unemployment but never thought I would be one of them. I’m glad it is a social service that is available, but even though it’s only been two weeks I feel like there is a ticking clock counting down the time until it runs out.

I have been using various job websites, particularly Craigslist and have been applying for jobs like crazy but so far out of 300 to 500 positions that I have e-mailed about, I have only heard back from three places. I’m certainly qualified for my age with more work experience than almost anyone I know but there are still so few bites out there.

I saw one position on Craigslist where a guy wanting a personal assistant in Coronado required someone with a degree to fix his coffee, clean his house and run his errands for him. The position only paid $10 an hour. At first I scoffed at that, but in this market I bet there are a lot of people out-of-work who would work for that.

I’m just thankful that I still live at home with a Mother who still has a very good and stable job working in healthcare.

The cliche is that there are so many part time jobs out there for college students to kick back and have fun while going to school – but the reality in today’s market is that most of these jobs are even being taken up by adults with much more qualifications.

I got comfortable at my last job making $15 an hour with benefits but it is seeming more and more like it may be wishful thinking to expect to find another job like that. Even my last job started cutting benefits and promoting people up who made far less money to do the job I was doing, getting rid of the people who made what I did.

A lot of the “experts” are saying our market has started to improve or has at least stopped declining, but I’m having trouble seeing it. Hopefully it starts improving rather than just stabilizing.

I’m a very resourceful person who would do just about any job if I had to, but I would much rather have a comfortable office job than be working at McDonalds or something.

I wish I could be one of those people in my situation just kicking back on unemployment vacation for the summer and enjoying it, but that’s not realistic. I hate not working, sitting around at home is totally lame despite how cool it looks to a lot of people.

Hopefully I find something soon. Is anyone else in a similar situation? Or has anyone found a new job with relative ease around San Diego? Am I asking for too much money or will some good company discover me soon?

I feel a little bit strange for not writing in here in a long time, so I thought I should update on my life.

I recently went to the doctor because of a cough and had some blood word done along with x-rays. They found out that my blood sugar was a bit elevated and as a consequence I have started back onto the South Beach Diet. I was on this diet during high school with good effects – I lost a lot of weight before. I think that this time around I will lose a lot of weight again and due to the low fat, low carb nature of the diet will regulate my sugar as well.

The cool thing about this diet is, even though I cannot eat all the carbs I like, I can still eat a lot of other goodies like lettuce wrapped hamburgers, chicken tikka masala, BBQ pork with vegetables and black bean sauce, caesar salad, chicken paramasagna minus the bread crumbs, etc.

Obviously I need to get into the gym more and start working out again as well.

Right now I’m also working on a food blog called mmhmmgirl.com – I am working with one of my coworkers to make a better theme for it in the mean time before it takes off. I plan to catalog foods I have cooked, foods I have had out at restaurants, certain restaurants themselves, recipes, drinks, diets, etc. I am opening it up to anyone who wants to contribute. We are planning on having correspondents from around the world writing about foods from all kinds of different cultures. I’m pretty excited to get it off the ground, but I need to work on the layout still.

Here is an interesting article from WebMD:

What Is The South Beach Diet?

They may seem similar, but The South Beach Diet is more than just a heart-friendly version of the Atkins diet. All the same, they do have a lot in common.

Both South Beach and Atkins diets are the creation of medical doctors. The father of The South Beach Diet is cardiologist Arthur Agatston, MD, director of the Mount Sinai Cardiac Prevention Center in Miami Beach, Fl.

Both the South Beach and Atkins diets are best-selling diet books. Only someone living in a cave hasn’t, by now, heard of Agatston’s The South Beach Diet: The Delicious, Doctor-Designed, Foolproof Plan for Fast and Healthy Weight Loss.

Both South Beach and Atkins diets restrict carbohydrates — carbs, as diet dilettantes like to say. True, “good carbs” are allowed. But South Beach dieters must say goodbye to potatoes, fruit, bread, cereal, rice, pasta, beets, carrots, and corn for the first two weeks. After that, most of these foods remain strongly discouraged.

Both South Beach and Atkins diets have a more severe induction phase, followed by a long-term eating plan.

The difference, really, boils down to two things:

* Fats. The South Beach Diet bans unhealthy fats but strongly promotes healthy ones.
* Carbs. The South Beach Diet doesn’t count grams of carbs. The Atkins diet seeks to change a person from a sugar-burning machine into a fat-burning machine. The South Beach diet looks at how much sugar is in a carb. Low-sugar carbs — those with a low glycemic index (they don’t cause the blood sugar levels to rise and fall as quickly) — are good (this point may sound very familiar to fans of the Sugar Busters diet)

As Agatston says, this means his diet is not — exactly — a low-carb diet or a low-fat diet.

What You Can Eat on The South Beach Diet

You won’t go hungry on The South Beach Diet. In fact, like the Body-For-Life diet, The South Beach Diet promotes strategic snacking. You’re not doing it right if you don’t snack.

There’s no counting calories or strict portion sizes. But there’s no gorging, either. The idea is to eat normal portions. To many of us, normal portions will seem small at first. They are enough to satisfy hunger, but no more.

As noted above, sugar-rich carbs are off the menu. These include rice and potatoes, and vegetables — such as beets and corn — with high sugar content. Also, there are no pastries or other sugar-filled desserts. And alcohol is forbidden in the induction phase and limited in the long-term diet.

What’s on the menu? There are three phases.

The 14-day induction phase bans bread, rice, potatoes, pasta, baked goods, and fruit. And you can’t have even a drop of beer, wine, or other alcohol. The diet promises that after a couple of days, you really won’t miss this stuff. As for dairy, two servings of low-fat or non-fat milk, yogurt, or buttermilk are now allowed during this phase.

The “reintroduce the carbs” stage gradually adds back in some of the banned foods. Not all of them, but if you are a pasta maniac, have some. Carrots used to be on the “foods to avoid” list at first, but you can now have them at the beginning of phase two. Tomatoes and onions, previously limited, are now fine in any phase. Fruit makes a comeback, too. Just pick and choose. A little now and then, no more. How long does this last? Until you hit your target weight.

The final stage is your diet for life. Eat normal foods in normal portions, following a few basic guidelines.

How The South Beach Diet Works

The South Beach Diet is based on the observation that Americans are carb crazy. That’s the reason for the induction phase. Those first two weeks are meant to help people quit craving carbs. And it’s why carbs are minimized throughout the diet.

Highly processed carbs, according to the South Beach theory, get digested too quickly. That makes insulin levels (a hormone the body makes to process sugars) spike. And once those fast-burning carbs are used up, your high insulin level makes you crave more food. So what do you tend to eat? More carbs, of course.

By breaking this cycle, The South Beach Diet promises to make you want to eat less food, but better food.

What the Experts Say About The South Beach Diet

Cindy Moore, RD, a director of nutrition therapy at Cleveland Clinic and a former spokeswoman for the American Dietetic Association, discussed The South Beach Diet with WebMD.

Moore says the diet truly does meet several of the criteria for a healthy diet. It’s rich in vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and lean protein, she says. Most importantly, it doesn’t leave out any major food groups.

Moore warns that during the induction phase, much of the lost weight is water weight. Losing this much water can throw your electrolyte balance off. So if you’re following the diet, it’s a good idea to work closely with a registered dietitian or your doctor.

Despite the popularity of The South Beach Diet, Moore warns, there’s no one-size-fits-all diet. A dietitian can help you individualize The South Beach Diet to fit your health needs.

Food For Thought

Most popular diets work — at first — because of their novelty. Also, the first pounds lost usually are water from your tissues, not fat itself. Over time, your tissues will rehydrate. That’s no reason to get discouraged. If you’re eating less, eating better foods, and getting enough exercise, you will become leaner.

One big plus for The South Beach Diet is that it doesn’t leave you in limbo. It recommends healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle long after you give up on ever getting back a loaned-out copy of the book.

The reason you diet may be to look better. There’s nothing wrong with that. But the reason to become healthy is to have a strong heart, strong lungs, and healthy bones. There’s nothing wrong with that, either.

My best friend Yvette Amezola walked up to me my first day of my junior year of high school and kissed me on the cheek. At the same time she did this, I went to hug her. Being from different cultures, we were both a little bit uncomfortable by the other’s use of haptics and proxemics. Haptics is “the study of touch” (Adler and Rodman G-4) and proxemics is “the study of how people and animals use space “ (Adler and Rodman G-7). Both haptics and proxemics vary dramatically cross-culturally even in cultures as close as the United States and Mexico.

Growing up I was raised in a family that was very touchy-feely and went to a church that was very touchy-feely as well. My family would always hug and kiss on each other and on me but this made me very uncomfortable. When it came to church, I never was one for hugging random people and was especially against kissing random people. Although people at church considered me a sibling in Christ, I found this affection to be both uncomfortable and absurd. I prefer to shake hands or hug a friend in greeting but then keep my distance from that point on.

When I was in elementary school and middle school I had normal casual friendships and acquaintanceships that were able to flourish without getting too touchy-feely. But as I got older, biological and social changes started to take place. These changes implied in an unspoken way that my use of haptics would have to increase and I would have to start maintaining a closer proximity to my friends – especially female friends. When I started my freshman year of high school I was used to handshakes. As I progressed through the year, I became used to the idea of hugs and pats on the shoulder. Physical affection was still a bit foreign and uncomfortable to me outside of a romantic relationship, but I continued to work toward accepting it. Attending a high school with such a large Mexican-American population, the culture dictated that I must also be touchier and maintain an even closer proximity to friends and acquaintances in order to be socially acceptable.

I soon established a close personal friendship with Yvette Amezola who is still my best friend to this day. On top of being from a touchy-feely culture, she is part of a family that is more affectionate than usual, so from the beginning of our friendship she was very affectionate. My sophomore year I had her in my second period English class and I still remember walking with her everyday from PE to English and then sitting next to each other in class. In the beginning we were pretty hands off but as we got closer to each other we became more affectionate. Throughout my sophomore year we were casual friends but junior year and the summer preceding junior year we became best friends. The first day of school during my junior year, we walked into our history class together. Of course we sat next to each other, but before sitting down I moved to hug her and she moved to kiss me on the cheek. She was not expecting a hug from me and I was not expecting a kiss from her. We both stiffened and recoiled a little bit in a moment social awkwardness, but as neither of us wished to offend the other, neither of us pulled away. We both later got used to the ideas that my culture and environment predisposed me to hugs and that her culture and environment predisposed her to cheek kissing. Though we were not comfortable with the other’s preference, we both subconsciously worked at accepting the other’s method and by the end of our junior year and throughout our senior year, we both hugged and kissed interchangeably.

Today, even though I am still not a particularly touchy-feely person, there is a marked change in my interaction with others. I am a lot touchier than I ever was previously and I now embrace friends of both genders. At the same time, although I am more touchy with close friends and family, when it comes to meeting new people including first dates, I go for a handshake rather than a hug. Kisses are out of the question unless they are with a Hispanic female friend and I am expecting them ahead of time. For the most part, Yvette is still the only friend that I allow to kiss me. I even discourage kissing from immediate family and have done so since I was a small child.

It is quite fascinating how cultures so similar are still so different when it comes to the unspoken conventions concerning haptics and proxemics. In Mexico, haptics dictate that a woman should greet both men and women with a kiss on the right cheek and that men are to kiss women with a kiss on the right cheek. Men, however, are to greet other men with a handshake or a handshake-half-hug (“Cheek Kissing in Mexico”). However, in the United States, a culture classified as a “medium-touch” culture (Brown), there are no clear rules to define how people should greet or how close they should stand. Traditional American gender roles dictate that men should be gentlemen and kiss girls on the cheek at the end of a date and greet both genders with a handshake. However, with the rise of metrosexuality and the gradual disregard of traditional gender roles, American culture is changing to make it more socially acceptable for men to hug and show affection for other men while still maintaining some sense masculinity (Brown).

Even more interesting is the contrast between “high-touch” Latin American and “medium-tough” American culture with the “low-touch” cultures of Northern-Europe, Western-Europe, Australia and New Zealand. These “low-touch” cultures are almost completely hands off outside of the immediate family. Although there are some exceptions, especially among youth and young adults, hand shaking continues to be the preferred method of greeting and affection (“Stop, you’re beginning to hug me”). Humorously, the author of “Stop, you’re beginning to hug me” attributes the rising of open outward affection to American television. He goes on to say “in fact, I blame American TV for everything wrong in the world (except Miami: CSI, which is totally awesome)”.

Culture is a fascinating thing. It is so engrained into us that we do not even realize that most of what we do is dictated by it. There are unspoken rules that we all nonetheless are aware of that tell us when it is appropriate to hug, when it is appropriate to shake hands and when it is appropriate to kiss on the cheek. It is very true that the American media is changing the relational ideals all around the world – constantly changing what is ok and what is not in our culture and in other cultures. When two cultures have different expectations and then come together, very bad things can happen. Initial awkwardness aside, if one or both parties misjudge what is appropriate for a situation “an excruciating dance will follow, as the poor lads work feverishly to determine what to do with their hands, their arms, their bodies (Brown).” I am glad that this was not the case with Yvette and I. Through our experience, though it could have ended badly, we both became better friends and both became more engrained into the other’s culture through our initial awkward moment.

Citations

Adler, Ronald, and George Rodman. Understanding Human Communication. 10. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2009. Print.
Brown, Douglas. “Men are hugging men more, but rules aren’t always clearly defined.” SeattlePi. 11 July 2005. The Denver Post. 18 Apr 2009 <http://www.seattlepi.com/lifestyle/231855_guyhugs.html>.

“Cheek Kissing in Mexico.” RiverGirl: A Gringa Writes About Life in Cancun Mexico. 01 June 2008. 17 Apr 2009 <http://www.hiddencancun.com/rivergirl/2008/06/01/cheek-kissing-in-mexico/>.
“Stop, you’re beginning to hug me.” China Daily. China Daily. 18 Apr 2009 <http://www.china.org.cn/living_in_china/news/2009-03/23/content_17487656.htm>.

I was going through my old e-mails – as you know Gmail saves everything – and I found some words of inspiration I got from a teacher my freshman year of high school.

Wow I forgot all about this. This brings back lots of happy memories.

Hi Mike,
What a pleasure to open my e-mail at 5:30 Am and find such a nice note from
you!! Hey, first of all I wasn’t the least bit offended about “not getting
an apple” from you, period, end of story. Those things kind of “smack” of
self-serving tools of the administration (or the teacher) to garner praise,
or in short, ask for approval. I had to “offer” the apples to students
because it’s what English teachers have to do, but it feels awkward to me
because it feels like you’re asking for one back–it is an awkward situation
to say the least. So, getting one or not getting one is immaterial to me.
You have to “leave your ego at the door” as a teacher because students can
and often do say and do some hurtful things to you. I try never to take
personal offense to the speech or actions of my students because I am older,
and suppose to be wiser, or at least more “thick skinned” about myself. I
try to develop personal rapport with students that engenders the elements of
friendship and fair play in our communication–and of course mutual respect.
And on that basis, I hope for those elements to be returned to me as a
person and teacher–in other words, fair play and respect. Most of the time
it works, but there are always the “few” who never get that idea with a
teacher, and have to push and challenge all adults because they are “already
damaged goods” emotionally. Someone, probably a parent, has already hurt
them sooo much, that they are already unable to relate to any adult with
respect–they have no personal respect to fall back on themselves. So, to
quote Shakespeare, we teachers are used to “suffering the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune” and just get by at times like that, trying not to
believe it is “us” but probably the home life or personal issues far beyond
our control. Sad, but true, you just can’t help every individual in public
education. But like doctors, my teaching mentor (teacher that trained me in
the ghetto schools of Baltimore City) told me we take an oath like the
Hippocratic Oath doctors have to take, and basically it is “physician do no
harm”–in other words, we may not be able to cure kids, but certainly we can
keep from hurting them further. So, I try to “pick the lilies of the field”
as they are offered to me by wonderful students who have enjoyed my
teaching, and at least not distain the weeds that grow beside the lilies.
Everyone is on earth for a reason far beyond our understanding, I accept
that, rely on it and deal with it. You have learned a little of this too
this year, as you relate in your e-mail to me about dealing with different
students and their own issues with you. God has a plan for each of us, and
far be it from us to criticize that path or plan. Better to accept and work
with it, unless it is a path detrimental to all human life. So don’t dwell
on the “apple” thing, don’t even think twice about it–I know it has been a
good year for you in many ways, you have grown and developed as a person and
student, and you’ll have happy memories of your freshman year—that is the
best and most important thing for you and me.
Freshman year is like a big “survey course” in high school–you try on new
ideas, topics, and friends. You experiment with career ideas, social
groups, and new interests. Sophomore year is honing the ax year–developing
the skills to a sharper edge. Junior year is the “nose to the grindstone”
year where you are busy earning the credits for a good college, and are
actively seeking admission to that college. Senior year, if you’ve done
everything right the first three years, is trying on “adult wings,” visiting
college campuses, raising your SAT scores, earning money for college,
building the network for a smooth college transition. By the time you’re a
senior, you should already be “half way” gone from high school, if you know
what I mean. And by taking college classes now, Mike, you may be gone after
your junior year, and on to college, so keep up the good work. I’m so glad
you thought about what I said, and went to Southwestern. High school can be
very boring for someone like you, so just go for the dual campus idea, and
maybe you can test out of high school early, and go on to college. You are
destined for big ideas and things in life–you seek challenge, so challenged
you’ll be!! And if “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” come your way
too, then bend with it, don’t be broken by it, learn from it always, and
don’t judge it. We have no control over others, only ourselves. Sometimes
in life, it is the example that you set, your actions not your words, that
lead others. Case in point, Steve Melton asking you how you liked college
the other day in class–he wanted to know how it was going and was
complimentary of your efforts. Poor old Steve, who has a very tough
homelife, wants to hear about college. Steve can easily go to college, if
he can ever recover from his homelife to get there. Maybe your actions have
planted the seed to get him to think about his potential to succeed as you
are. SEE? What you do does have meaning in the larger world, and you
really didn’t have to say much to show Steve anything. He will think about
it, and maybe you will have become his inspiration! Good engenders good,
Mike, don’t ever doubt it. And I benefit from all the good I see in the
students and future adults I teach–you are all so talented, so full of the
power to do good things. It is a connection with the future that I enjoy so
much. And like I said in class, when you are all rich and famous, don’t
forget the little people who helped you along the way!!

I hope psychology is cool and fun, and a real eye openner for you. Don’t go
spouting out diagnoses to your parents like some amateur psychologist, or
they’ll hate you forever!! There is nothing worse than a “dimestore
psychologist”–there is nothing worse than that, except maybe someone who is
a grammarian, and they continually correct your grammar when you are taking
to them. That’s pretty bad too.

I’m really liking my new job. I have cool coworkers, everyone is friendly and seems to get along and they are very helpful. They have techs all around the world that we are in touch with by instant message and they have even helped me solve customer issues.

I’ve been going to lunch with another one of the new guys and we’ve been eating cool ethnic food. So far we hit Hawaiian, Vietnamese and Indian.

The first day I was very lost but I’m starting to get it more and more everyday. My trainer is super cool and really knows her stuff. I feel like I’m in good hands.

Been talking to Joshie about taking some computer classes together this summer and next fall. He’s taking PHP/MYSQL this semester and really loves it. In order to make myself better equipped to exceed expectations at work I’m going to become a Linux pro, learn PERL, learn PHP/MYSQL and try to find some resources for CPanel, WHM, etc.

If anyone has any resources to recommend I would be greatly thankful.

I also got my fancy new camera in the mail yesterday from Costco. It’s super sexy but not something I would use for everyday use. I’m still going to mainly use my point-and-shoot. I’m going to drag one of my friends along with me to take some more photography and learn to be more creative with it before Nicole’s fashion show in May when it will really count.

Pretty soon I’m going to be one of those pro computer tech people who can do magic with a few keystrokes

I’m happy to say that I am going through some new beginnings in my life.

On Monday I am starting a new job at a web hosting company as a System Administrator. I am super excited. Although Starbucks was a lot of fun, I really am not sad to be leaving. In the end, it was getting bad. Very short labor, increased pressure to bring in sales and increased drama among my employees. I will really miss my friends Josh and Andrea though – I love them dearly – and I know that a lot of the time “out of sight, out of mind” is realistic. I will make every effort to keep in touch and hang out regularly though.

Another new beginning is getting on board of a startup clothing line called Nicole Edwards. It is marketed specifically for African American plus sized women. I am getting on board as the marketing and logistics manager as well as a web designer and photographer. I feel that my web design and photography are going to need some work and practice – especially when it comes to graphic art – but that I have a lot of good ideas that I want to put into practice.

The third interesting beginning is questioning my sexuality yet again. I went out with a guy named Ryan. We went to the movies and we had a lot of fun – but in the end he kissed me. I had never kissed someone before – which is sad – but its a true fact of life. I do not know if I am not attracted to Ryan, if I am not attracted to men in general or if my first time just freaked me out a little bit – but I couldn’t shake the feeling of disgust for at least thirty minutes. I don’t think it was the guy necessarily because I thought he was super cute sitting next to him in the movie theater and I was getting butterflies in my stomach. But in the end I’ve decided that it would be unfair to him to continue seeing him until I figure out what I really do want.

Ok so maybe romance is an overstatement. Short lived casual dating is more like it.

Anyway, since I’m not all that fond of flaming types when considering guys to date – and despise our mainstream American gay culture – I have had a hard time meeting people who are worth my time and effort to date. In the end I’ve decided that my choices are either meeting someone at church (unlikely with sites such as http://godhatesfags.com out there) or meeting someone on an online dating site. For my own safety, I chose the latter.

I should preface this with saying that I’ve always considered online dating sites for lame fat people who are unable to get laid – or people looking ONLY to get laid – so I’ve never taken the time to get involved with one. However, I finally took the time to join OKCupid which is a fairly effective (and free) dating site. It asks you a series of questions about yourself and how your ideal match would answer the questions and gauges a relationship compatibility based on your answers.

I met a few people people on there right off the bat, two guys who seemed to be different than the stereotypes, perhaps deep, and worth my while. The first guy I met is called Ryan and the second is called Jose.

Ryan and I hit it off almost immediately – but then I met Jose who asked me out before Ryan and I got a chance to talk too much. I of course said yes even though I felt a bit uneasy about meeting online people. We met at Hillcrest Cinemas and saw the movie Revolutionary Road, went to a hookah lounge to watch belly dancing and finally ate breakfast at 1:30 in the morning.

I thought the date went very well. It was a bit long for a first date but it was fun. And, as I would have it no other way, it ended with a kiss on the cheek. Our society is so cliche for ending up in bed on a first date and I just find that ridiculous and low class.

Throughout the date and throughout the pre-date and post-date text/phone flirting, Jose was the perfect guy. He knew the right things to say, remembered little details such as me having a test or interview and seemed to really care. I really liked that. In short, he did the mushy well. But regardless of any other aspect of him, I just didn’t feel the chemistry – I was not attracted to him. And that isn’t to say that he is unattractive. He’s decent looking. Just…I don’t know, couldn’t get into him.

As cliche as this sounds, I thought to myself that I was the problem, I’m shallow or something and maybe if I gave him more time I could come to find him attractive. It never happened.

When I went to San Francisco the weekend of the 14th, he and his friend Christopher also happened to be up there that weekend. My friend Carrie and I met them at the corner of Haight/Ashbury and went driving around. We had random adventures around the city, went shopping, went to Starbucks, etc. But the entire time, Jose and Christopher were making comments about everything we passed. Some of them were funny like “oh my GODDDDDD. That maternity store is so fucking cute!” and “oh my GODDDDDD woman, are you waiting for a better paint job” when a lady hesitated at a light. They were truly hilarious, in true flamboyant fashion – but flamboyance is a huge turn off to me.

In the end, I just decided that Jose’s conformity to gay mainstream culture was a turn off to me. His need to go to gay bars and clubs to pick up guys, even while casually dating me, was a turn off. His need to comment on everything in a super obnoxious way, be it positive or negative, was a huge turn off. Ultimately, he was a huge turn off.

All of it was a huge shame though because he really is a genuinely nice guy. He has long term potential. He’s very good at the mushy.

When I got home from San Francisco I lamely told him by text message that I don’t think we should continue dating each other – that I am not attracted to him and that he seems to be attracted to me – and that I don’t want to lead him on.

This was the extent of our interchange:

Jose: Morning! Don’t know if you’re working this morning but I hope you’re having a good one. PS: We still need to celebrate valentine’s. Just the two of us.

Me: Jose I really like you, but I’m just not feeling the chemistry with you. Maybe I’m still hung up on a past relationship. Maybe you’re just not my type. I don’t know but I know you are interested and I don’t want to lead you on. So I do not want to continue dating. Sorry. And I’m sorry to do this by text but I can’t talk at the moment.

Jose: My friends told me to end it after the first date but I thought you were different. I guess you don’t know what you want or aren’t mature enough for a relationship. I don’t think we were in a situation to really get to know each other on Saturday so that was probably not a good idea but had hoped to get another chance. I guess you don’t want that. You’re missing out.

Me: Maybe. I guess I’ll see.

Jose: I need to get something off my chest. 1. What happened to “you’re prefect”. And 2. That trench coat was so tacky! I guess that’s why I didn’t wanna be too close to you on Saturday you looked homeless.

Me: 1. You really are perfect. You do all the mushy stuff well. Are generally attractive, etc. But I’m just not attracted to you. I think its due to the obnoxious flamboyance. Or maybe the need to talk about every person you pass. I am not and never will be part of the gay mainstream culture. I have too much self respect. So like I said, everything you did was right. It’s just who you are that I can’t deal with. And I’m not naive enough to expect someone to change who they are for me. 2. Trench coat I think goes hand in hand with the whole shallow gay mainstream need to put people down. I don’t see it as relevant, but ok sure?

Jose: I’m pretty sure you made snarky remarks about the music playing in the car and made negative comments about burning man and coachella, both things you know nothing about. Also starting you were going to start drama with your family is not very mature and just as queeny and flamboyant. I can’t take your closeted views of gay culture seriously. It exposes your internalized homophobia. It’s not that you’ll never be part of the culture, you won’t allow yourself to be part of it until you let go of the negative stigmas and embrace who you are. Good luck with that. You’re holding yourself and others from coming together and fighting for equality.

Me: Sounds like I’m going you a favor then

Blogging about this makes me upset all over again. I started out, being sensitive to his feelings, being kind, not really saying what I mean, beating around the bush, etc and he comes up with all of this mean bullshit.

First of all, he told me that he told his friends about me and they were all happy for him, that he found someone who isn’t like everyone else, who is different. He and they as a group found that refreshing. So what is it? Why either lie to begin with or lie to try to insult someone. It was two dates! Hardly a dramatic break up.

My trench coat made me look like I’m homeless? HAHA. That is just an overly childish attempt at a below-the-belt insult. My trench coat is hot. Carrie said so. And I trust her judgement. I look like Neo from the Matrix. Jose is just jealous. He should be focusing on professional fashion rather than “gay” brands like Abecrombie & Fitch, American Eagle and Aeropostale that very much do not fit his frame. Does he not realize how obnoxious a form fitting polo shirt looks on someone who weighs 300 pounds?

Snarky comments about music playing in the car? I didn’t even know what the songs were! Never heard of them. How is that snarky asking who a band is? Coachella and Burning Man. All I commented was that I would die if I was in the desert for 3 days without a shower. Yup, that’s queeny, I’m guilty!

Finally, I do not see how not wanting to be a statistic makes me internally homophobic. A public image of gay males as being obnoxious, crude, overly sexual and flamboyant to the point of social isolation into places like Hillcrest, Castro, Province Town, etc. Yes, that kind of image is going to bring us equality. That’s what we need. More flamers marching in parades and making complete fools of themselves. I’m the one holding the LGBT population back from equality. From change. By being a socially acceptable and successful member of society. Who isn’t on fast track to AIDS from hooking up with guys from bars and clubs.

Anyway, rant done. Now I have taken the time to connect with Ryan, the other guy from OKCupid. I see real potential. He is not a flamer. Has a lot of the same interests as me. Definitely has an attraction factor in there. And even in the beginning, he accepts and desires me as I am. What more can one ask for?