Xordelia (dot) COM

I got more conservative chain mail today. You’d think they would learn how to blog rather than communicating by forwarding this garbage with countless pages of headers visible. Maybe a Google Group at least?

Anyway, the ironic part about this e-mail is that this time I actually agree with them. It’s called “Divorce Agreement” basically implying that the Conservatives are going to take all the “good” in America and leave the Liberals with all of the “bad” except what is good and bad to them is almost exactly the opposite of good and bad to us. So I agree, I think we should break into two countries and the liberals can have the West Coast, New England and Illinois. And the conservatives can have the rest.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950′s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

–We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
–You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
–You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
–You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks.
–We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
–You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

–We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

–You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
–We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.

–We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

–Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

Aside from actually agreeing with a lot of this, I wanted to point out some of the central ironies.

America was not much different during the Bush years than it is now and everyone, including the conservatives, were bitching about it and how terrible Bush was. Now that we actually are starting to implement the changes everyone wanted under a competant President, they are all screaming for the way of things under Bush – like tax breaks for the rich, deregulation, heavy military spending while cutting social services, etc.

-We’ll keep the taxes AND the social services that come with them. Surely conservatives don’t need schools or healthcare, libraries or police, firefighters or state parks? After all, isn’t that what the EVIL SOCIALIST liberals want?

-We’ll happily keep our liberal judges and the ACLU. Conservatives don’t need civil rights or freedom of speech because they are only concerned with the wishes of the majority (ie: white christian males).

-By all means take your firearms, the NRA and the military. We don’t need to waste our money on wars that aren’t our business. But leave the police; police require taxation. Taxation is socialism, unless it’s to fund the military. Police aren’t military so we have to keep them, sorry.

-Please take the oil industry. They and their lobbyists are the ones standing in the way of true energy reform. On that note, we will also keep all of our tech companies, agriculture, wine and beer, art, music industry and movie industry. Oh and Micky Mouse.

-Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell are all great public figures. We’d be happy to keep them. Although Oprah isn’t particularly liberal and rarely talks about politics on her show.

-You can keep Capitalism, greedy corporations and their special interests, pharmaceutical companies, Wal Mart AND Wall Street. But we’ll keep the biotech industry, Trader Joes and Costco.

-We will gladly keep our social services and you can let your poor, mentally handicapped, unemployed, etc starve out in the streets. In no time, you can all be the tenant farmers of the big corporations and special interests like pre-Civil War America.

-For God sake, YES, please take Sarah Palin. You can HAVE her. I think you should elect her as your President with Christine O’Donnel as her running mate. As for the CEOs, just let us keep Steve Jobs and the Google guys. You can have the rest, including all of the rednecks.

-Yes, take all of the Bibles. And the other religious text too. Our hippy utopia doesn’t need religious dogma of any kind.

-Invade all of the places you want, we think that peace is something to strive for. We don’t think that it is our job to democratize and christianize the whole world, it isn’t our business as long as they don’t directly threaten us (and no one has since WWII).

-We won’t have war protesters because we won’t have war to protest.

-By all means, keep your religious lunatics. You can even have the 700 Club, NoM and the Mormons.

-We’ll just keep Humanism and political correctness. Although we tolerate the others, they aren’t progressive values strictly speaking.

-It’s ok, we’ll gladly stay in the UN. Since most of the GDP of the US comes from liberal-leaning states, I don’t think we’ll have a problem “paying the bill”. You can go make moonshine and go cow-tipping while we create world peace.

-We’d rather have compact Toyotas and Hondas (even though they are made by the AMERICA-HATING SOCIALIST Japanese!!) than any of those cars mentioned, so by all means take your global-warming machines with you.

-Healthcare is a right, not a luxury. While you let your uninsured die, we will provide healthcare to everyone.

-We prefer “Believe” by Cher and “I’m Coming Out” and “The Sounds of San Francisco” than any of those faux-patriotic (un-PC, ethnocentric) songs you mentioned. You can keep them. And by all means brainwash them into kids. We’ll also keep Lady Gaga and Madonna, free of charge.

-Trickle Down economics didn’t work for Reagan and they won’t work for you. But it’s ok, we will directly provide social services for our citizens.

Kthnxbai

Tags: america, california, conservative, culture war, liberal, progressive

This entry was posted on Friday, October 29th, 2010 at 8:03 am and is filed under Economics, General, Politics, Ranting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.